Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
everyone has that one prude friend
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.