A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire