Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”