I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.