My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing