Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
why would tinder want me to say this
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!