[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word