nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.