Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
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ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
yeet
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Bike is short for Bichael.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.