[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.