Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?