“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
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I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I’d rather go liquor treating.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.