Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.