I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’ve had relationships like this
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in