*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Only short people can save us
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.