My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When I said I liked it rough.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him