me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.