“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
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Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING