him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Sing it!
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.