Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Oh the world we live in…
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.