If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
You Might Also Like
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner