I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.