Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
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This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My kitchen overserved me.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Brother?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
went fishing caught a bass
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much