Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?