Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Bro what is this
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it