Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist