One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
OMG 🤣🤣
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.