Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.