You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon