american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
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It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.