If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
oh my gosh!!
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)