I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Go hard or stay average
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.