I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
you will never know the true number of layers
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?