“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”