The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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i love modern commerce
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts