I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
You Might Also Like
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.