Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
You Might Also Like
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Meanwhile in Canada…
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Fries, not lies.