DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
You Might Also Like
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no