Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
How do you like your Corgi?