I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.