me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
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You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Saturday
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY