You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
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Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.