Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient