I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.