[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I think I’m having a stroke