I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Great acting.. 😂
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.