If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
This came to me in a dream.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
According to math, I’m broke
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests