Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat