I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Pikachu found the lost joint
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00