pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
You learn something every day
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.